Fostering Hope
You must have found this page because you are trying to decide what’s best for you and your family, foster care or adoption. I’ve been there. Let me tell you my story.
In early 2009, my husband and I decided to start a family. Little did we know it would not be as easy as we thought. We each came from families with two children, so we always had the goal of two children for our family. We thought nothing of complications.
Three months passed and we had no positive pregnancy tests. Six months passed and we still had no positive pregnancy tests. We began talking to the doctors. Immediately they wanted to test my husband and me. While going through these tests and waiting on results we were still hopeful.
The results came in and due to scientific facts, that only we know details about, we were told we would never have children. WOW! That was a blow. We never expected that, but who does? By this time we were 9 months in.
We knew we had a lot of love and enough resources to give to a child that we were not ready to close the dream of being parents. We started to research and venture out to other options. While looking into supportive ways to get pregnant, adoption in the US (our country), and foster care in our area, we got a surprise at 5:30 in the morning.
Yes! It was a positive pregnancy test. This was it! Our little miracle was happening. I quickly scheduled my appointment and went around that 6-week timeline. My doctor was floored and I’ll never forget her words as I sat nervously and excitedly at the end of the table, “This wasn’t supposed to happen.” Well, it did and I’m so grateful. Now what??
Foster Care or Adoption
At the end of 2010, our little boy was born healthy (8.8 oz and 20 ½ in long) and developed beautifully. When he was about two and a half years old we continued our conversations around a second child. But we went down the same path, false pregnancy tests again and again. It did not work out this time and that was okay with us.
As stated earlier, we came from very loving families and had resources that other children could benefit from. These resources included love, support, knowledge, and opportunities. This led us into foster care and adoption conversations. Which one was best for us? Foster care? or adoption? I will not lie. At that time adoption was extremely expensive and while we were okay as a family of three, coming up with five digits was just a lot at that time. So we started talking to community members and other families and decided foster care was where we wanted to go.
We started the process of becoming a licensed foster family. It included local classes, light travel for other classes, homework, multi-page home studies, home visits, and other requirements. It required physicals for everyone in the house, background checks (criminal, historical, and emotional) etc.
How Foster Care Works
As we were going to classes to learn how to work with trauma and how to be a foster family, my husband got a new job. We had to relocate to another area within the same state. We paused the process until we were settled in our new community and jobs then continued the process.
Thankfully, all of our work transferred but we had to start fresh with the home study and a new social worker. By this time our biological son was almost 5. We had a specific idea in mind for when to say “yes” when we got the call. We wondered and asked, can you choose the age? We wanted our son to be the oldest so we were ready to say “yes” to one child under 5. If you are going through this, it is ok to say no! We got a call from our social worker to take in 3 children (siblings) and our heartstrings pulled hard, but we said no. It worked out for them and us.
A few months passed after that phone call, but at the end of October 2016 we got another call. I missed my cell phone call. But thankfully our social worker persisted and called me at work. My colleagues knew I was anticipating this, so they didn’t hesitate to push the call through. With a quick text to my husband, we said yes to a 13-month-old female. Oh my gosh! Here we go!
Foster Care Without Adoption
From that first Friday night baby J was dropped off with her cardboard box and a bag of clothes to 8 months later when we said see you later, we learned so much. As a family, we learned how to be part of shared parenting (weekly visits to public places with her biological mom) and collaborated with so many professionals on the team. We worked with the guardian ad litem, social worker, doctors, professionals from the legal system, speech therapist, and physical therapist. Yes, our son was a part of most of this. He was a helper, a rock, and a champ through it all!
We learned her triggers and her favorites. Time in her car seat and bath time were major triggers at the beginning but 8 months later she would say “no” when bath time was over. She loved sleep, milk, and juice. She quickly had a strong attachment to me (extreme at times) and was initially hesitant towards my husband. We learned she hadn’t had many experiences with adult males. But after a few months of exposure, routines, safety, and love she warmed up to everyone in our family.
The goal was reunification, as foster care always is. We knew from the beginning to guard our hearts. We introduced ourselves by our first names instead of mom, dad, or brother. We didn’t want to confuse her or get too attached ourselves. With our son calling us “mom” and “dad” she would imitate, of course. But we would continue to visit, facetime, and look at pictures of her mom while reinforcing her name, “mom”.
We told our hearts and our 5 ½-year-old son, she was a friend visiting for a little while. We knew adoption happened through foster care, but it was slim in this case. Things were going in the right direction for reunification until the night after the 6-month court date. Unfortunately, her mom wasn’t able to break her unhealthy habit. In the meeting before this court date, Mom had a plan b just in case. It was for her sister to adopt the baby.
We helped with the transition of baby J to her aunt who lived thousands of away. This aunt and her family were (and still are) amazing! They drove thousands of miles to meet baby J in our location and video-chatted with us to continue the transition for all. They made a photo album for her while they were away. We would often look at it with her and name all the family members.
Hard Parts of Foster Parenting
I could make a list of the hard parts of foster parenting. You must have thick skin and be a big advocate. But the big topic everyone wants to talk about is the good bye. To say moving day in late June was hard would be an understatement. The classes prepare you, but it is hard not to shed a tear. This is the child we rocked to sleep, fed, played with, advocated for, stressed out with, and enjoyed for 8 months! The part that helped was knowing she was going with her amazing biological family (aunt, uncle, and 4 cousins) for permanency. When I say amazing, I mean she won the lottery! Lucky for us, they stayed in contact. We visited them a couple of years later and still share texts and updates to this day. We are forever grateful for this opportunity.
With this experience, we still had the idea of two children. The next year, we transferred our fostering license over to a local agency so we could adopt. I’ll save that experience for another time.
Maybe you have an experience like mine? Leave a comment and let me know. Until then check out the Beginner’s Guide ebook below.
How Foster Care Works: Beginner’s Guide ebook